
I have been a woman who has been stuck in many ruts throughout my life...it all started when I was a child and I remember being fixated by people, things, or as my friends say now, "shiny objects" LOL!
The truth for me today is that as I grew up and became an adult I would get stuck in many and various types of ruts; whether they were about others, school, lovers, friends and family... my personal vehicle just ran right toward the ruts.
Why I dedicated this to Mother's Day is I have of course been thinking about my mother, listening to others gripe about their mothers, not knowing what to do or buy, you know what...don't buy a thing...just thank them and love them and leave it at that; now that you're a grown up there's not much that they can do or shape you into without your permission, so just thank them for having you and love them for the life they gave you.
The life my mother gave me was pretty sketchy at best, but I am not alone in this at all, I just wish that I could in person thank her for the life she gave me.
There was one thing she ALWAYS said to me that I still hold true to today..."when you're in a rut, and you stay there, watch out because the rut will become your grave." I took heed to these words, sometimes maybe too closely, but they still ring true to me today.
Recently my character defects have been made obvious and openly to you the readers and to myself, I just don't suffer fools well and I don't have a high tolerance for the BS of others...not because I am callous, harsh, or ill willed, but because I want you to see the life that is before you, the one that you may be taking for granted and it may end before you know it.
One thing I recognize today is that I will NEVER have enough time on earth with the people I love, NEVER! There isn't enough time for me to share the love I have, show them the love I have or even tell them how much I love them...life in this body is finite.
None of us are 'terminally unique' we are all human, we are all trying to move through life the best way we can and the best way we know how...but for me I will not suffer those who put themselves down, lie to others, or stay stuck because they are afraid to reach out...this is a part of the human condition, to ask for help, but when you ask, you are open to helping others and you are open to love...it is that simple.
My WORST day sober is BETTER than any of my days drinking..this is why you can't bullshit a bullshitter...I've can keep up with the best of them, but it's a choice..to lie is a choice whether to others or yourself...you can't keep up with them after a period of time and they will cave in on you and hurt only you...others really aren't as worried about you as you wish/will them to be.
My worst day sober is still a gift, one of magick and love...
My life has been a "hot mess" and there are those who read my blog who know me from "back in the day..." and they know it was a hot mess of lies, sadness, making the poorest of choices I could make...but it never dawned on me that not only was I making those choices I was hurting others with them...OUCH...that's the step four and five working in my life...each and every day.
Step ten for me helps me to keep my karmic debt grounded and helps me to focus on today and what's in front of me only...that hot mess has to be cleaned up and when I mess up again, because I will, it says in the BB, "when these things crop up..." not IF they crop up...so you see, I get to remain human, not superhuman, but today I have a way to not go forward and create the hot mess I used to be...and trust me I am forever grateful.
I came to AA wanting to stop drinking and stop running, I was in some serious pain and didn't know if I could stop, so when you say to me I just don't understand, ... you bet your ass I do, twenty years of hurting myself, hurting others and hitting so many bottoms I'm surprised I have an ass to drag around today...well I understand, and my hand will always be there for others, but you know what I've also learned...you have to work it if you want it...that means every day all day.
There is no cure...I will never be cured of alcoholism, I will never someday miraculously wake up cured, I have a disease, it is not my rut, it is not my crutch, it is however what brought me to the place I am now...happy, joyous and free.
Happy, Joyous and Free...too many of us are too scared of this because it means that I had to become responsible for all three of those, I can no longer live in the past, I have to face my present and work the best I can to allow my HP to work through me, I have to move out to the way to let the energy in...
I find for myself that I can no longer be confined to my past regrets or the injuirious treatment that others had in mind, they can only be in my space for as long as I let them, I certainly don't let them off the hook, but I certainly don't hold on to the hook and find a place for it to slide into me..
I think that my own ruts are those that I recognize today sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but there are there...and I sometimes get in them, and then someone in AA quickly comes along (because I own a cell phone and call them) to help me out of the rut, they know the way out and I am forever grateful.
I hope that you all have a brilliant, bright, and loving Mother's Day, whether you have children or not, have lost children, or not, are step parents, or not...it's a bright day...you may not have your mom now, but she's still with you for better or for worse...you're here and for that I am grateful...