Opening the Heart ...Divine Honesty

For me lately, opening the heart has not been something I have been doing, my Heart Chakra has been working overtime, so I've been working on grounding, relaxing, staying in the moment, and being honest...


Being in AA has taught me to be honest, when I can't be honest, for whatever reason, (like the question, "does this outfit make me look bad" and I don't have an answer, I am quiet). Work has been rife with politics lately, the morale is low, there really are no manners of rewards for work well done, so it's gotten a bit gnarly, I just keep my head down, I have no comment in it, people will focus on what they chose to focus on, and I will still be here working. I can't change that. I accept it as it is.


I remember coming into AA and finding rooms of people who were honest and wished that for you too, they wanted your best life to be lived, and that meant becoming honest with yourself, to find the "promises" and live them, with integrity. I work toward that each and every day as my life continues to reveal, not only the sadder and less profound images of humanity, but the deeply discontented realities that people live in and create.


I used to create a life that was not worth living, one that was not true, it was all about denial and keeping "you" away from "me." There was no "we" or space for a "we" in my world. I grew up with a very active addict, I learned how to gauge my thoughts, my actions, and my behaviors to keep her at bay and not in my space as much as possible. Growing up my friend Lee and I would joke (not always funny though) that our parents were trying to "gaslight" us, to create madness inside us by being inconsistent, lucikly as we aged, we found out that they were inconsistent and completely incongruent with their abiltity to parent or love. My mother was notorious for stating in one breath that I was a great daughter only to breathe out and call me every name imaginable that was neither great nor good, mostly sinister and somehow at 14 on...having some ability to project myself into the time/space continuum in order to mess with her life. This inconsistency in others is something that today I find very difficult to tolerate.


I think that my previous post stated that I am not one in recent months to tolerate the jackassery of others deceit. There are many who played a role in the deceit that revealed itself recently in my life, from my 'husband' C who is a sex addict and working a program, to the other women, who were in my life, or very close to it. I have forgiveness in my heart, not quite yet though... I realized that I cannot take people off the hook for their choices that were clearly made with intent. (Now don't worry, I know I cannot harbor resentment either and I will not), but I also know that when we allow others to be cruel, to get away with behaviors that are treacherous, we do ourselves and the others no good. I was not let off the hook for my behaviors in AA, I have had to and continue to on a daily basis (Step 10) give amends as necessary. I majorly harmed people who I dearly care about, there was a period of time where I did not speak to those I loved as they were not ready to hear from me. These things take time, but if I were just "forgiven" as if nothing happened, as if I didn't do anything, I would not have healed at all, I would not have forgiven myself, forgiven others, nor worked the steps each and every day.


Even today I recognize that the people in my life and around my life continue to be duplicitious, of course, sadly, that is only them, but I also realize that I don't have anything to hide in this anymore. This is truly on them. My hiding only makes it worse for me, we are only as sick as our darkest most well kept secrets, I have no need for secrets in this anymore.


The affects of this are for me EMOTIONAL, I've experience anxiety like you'd not believe, I've felt grief, shame, anger, overwhelmed, all of them at the same time. I break down when I least expect it, I sleep more, less, not at all; it's very disconcerting to me. The effects have been COGNITIVE, I've had issues concentrating, a two hour movie seems overwhelming to me. My memory is goofy, I cannot make a decision some days to save my life, or I waffle on one's that I know I would usually just be able to make, I also have to keep copious notes at work for myself now...the PHYSICAL effects have been awkward, there's the falling, my balance has been off, I have headaches, I am tired, (that's the mono) and I am sometimes just worn down from feeling...then there's the BEHAVIORAL, I've had the sleep disturbances, can't watch or see or read anything that has something to do with an affair, my work habits are strange, I now have to pick out my clothes before work in order to not have to debate myself what to wear...I have a more rigid sense at times...to feel safe!


All of these at once, well they are overwhelming to say the least. I've been here before, but sadly not sober. I chose to eat, drink, shop, sex, lie, buy, pretend it all away...you know what that got me? NOTHING, but more pain and more lessons to learn later.


I think that for those involved or now denying involvement they of course will have their own paths to journey on and cross, I will have my own, but today I do it without having to "pretend" or LIE about who I am, or what my life is; it's that congruence from the inside and the outside...it is NOT easy to be that way in our world, we live in an unforgiving and oftentimes cruel world and situations don't greet us at our path, they pummel us until we are somehow ready to see them just as they are...ACCEPTANCE.


Each day I practice acceptance with all of my being; to accept for me DOES NOT mean to CONDONE ... or to LIKE it, it means that I accept that life is exactly where it is, that's it, there's nothing major or shifty with that, it just is. It's not easy at all, I can accept each day that there will be people who will continue to lie in order to make themselves and others in their lives more comfortable, but I cannot lie today, about my part in things, or where I stand with it, because today I do stand...not always strongly, but certainly not laying down anymore...


I will not lie...I have nothing to hide and that is one of the most amazing gifts AA and all those in the program have shared with me.

Much Love!

This Jackassery Will Not Stand

So the title of this blog entry just makes me laugh...laugh out loud and silly! My work peep L found this amazing artist who does work with birds and there was one with a chicken and this was what was written with it...This Jackassery Will Not Stand!


First to know me is to know that I LOVE the word Jackass! It's one of those words that makes me just laugh!


Secondly, this previous post had some of the most amazing comments and emails that I have ever read and I will be emailing those who offered their emails to me...I really cannot thank you from my heart. Each comment has been copied and placed in my journal for further introspection and discernment. I truly have no way but these words to thank you for your love and kindness shown and also your incredibly relevant and thoughtful comments. I thank you and send love to you from the blogosphere!


This has been one of the more cathartic weeks I've ever had in my entire life. I have of course realized that this "dark night of the soul" doesn't just have roots in this moment but come from the moments also preceeding it; the moments of loss and love and fear and abandonmnet and surviving while others may not have. I broke apart today because I asked my higher power to help me, to help me to discern why I am still here and why others have gone before me, to help to guide me in my purpose through the program of AA or in other manners and venues.


A theme of the comments was that yes, this pain, it will last and it will come and go...but like those in my real life who want me to just "suck it up" and not feel things in order to make them feel more comfortable...well, "that jackassery will not stand!" In order for me to actually heal I actually have to feel this pain, walk through this pain to get to the other side of it; and also to learn the lessons it is offering me each and every day, and each and every moment.


I am learning, proof that I am teachable, it is painful, the pain comes and goes in waves, but this writing, this being honest even in my blog has helped me exponentially. I realized this week in a conversation with a woman who has 26 years in AA, that I am doing this sober...there is no hiding from the pain, no trying to drown it away, shop it away, drink it away, sleep it away, sex it away, deny it away...nope, there's none of that for me, my normal MO for those who didn't know me before being sober would have been to run as far and fast away from this, to find myself in the arms of someone else, to get away from what it is that I am feeling and along the way, to lie to deny, to just act as if none of it ever happened. The realization in being sober and sane is that I can't do any of that...I have to feel this, walk through it, allow the feelings to exist; they have to be there to help to guide me and to allow me to be my most human self. The miracle though...I'm sober and there's not any part of my being that would really want to miss this for the world...otherwise, yep, it will show up again..trying to get my attention. Yes, dear HP I am teachable and I am listening.


Today I got a message from another great blog-o-buddy...Wolfie...he gave me the sage advice to just dance, dance, dance, today...and that's what I did, I spent two hours in dance class. We worked it wonderfully and it was just what I needed to do, dance helps me in every way to process what it is that I feel, whenever something isn't going well, I dance, it's that or clean the house...just to move my body! So that's what I did...Dance! Thank Goddess for Dance!!!


I also have taken to heart about the "jackassery not standing" (again chuckling to myself). I've decided that my life is worth something and that standing up for myself is a good thing, not in an egotistical or mean manner, but that if you lie to me, if you wish to deceive me, if you wish to do things that harm others I won't stand ...I can't stand on the side of harm... as my congregation states we "stand on the side of love" and I do too. I have no ill will in my body for those involved in this, but I will not stand by and allow deceit nor treachery anymore.


I received one of the most amazing emials this week from my friend Lee in Oregon...it woke me up, she knows me; no matter the time apart, she knows me, she knows how this hurts, she knows I am strong, but allows me to be vulnerable. I felt every word she wrote and the love that she sent in the email, it moved me. It told me that I do have value, and that it doesn't have to come from anyone outside of me...it comes solidly from inside me; and that's the only place that it can come from.


So not allowing the jackassery, well that's another story...but the truth being that now I don't feel that I have anything to hide in this; that the shame I felt was not mine, was not mine to have or to feel, I have not done anything to harm another or a family, or a life...and amazingly the miracle is that I am sober today and by the grace of God, I will be tomorrow.


My gratitude is full and rich and deep...


* To my friends in life and on the blogosphere who really saw me fall apart this week and were able to just understand, it's only momentary, it too shall pass, but we can love ecah other and not have the expectation to just "feel better" because it's a new day. Life does not work like that, it comes in waves and for those who have loved, lost, been through divorces, death, losses, well you know what I speak of...it has no straight line...it is a curved path.


* To the blogosphere and this blog. This is a lifeline for me, living in rural America, not ever living in this SMALL a town in my life, well knowing that I'm not all crazy, that not all people are this judgmental, and that love and tolerance does exist in the world is one of the greatest gifts I could have received and this blog allows me the creative outlet to journey through the interweb to witness the love, creativity and journeys of others.


* For the ministers of the UU that I attend; they are a married couple and they see C and I...their insights and their amazing spirits have helped me greatly on this journey; I can see things now that I didn't know I would again and I continue to be awed by their journey. I am grateful that they are in our lives and that we have them, our therapist, and my spirtual director K: that is so much right there to take care of myself.


* That my health continues to get better, my face and staph infection are clearing, slowly, but clearing! My tiredness is still there, remember 7:00pm bedtime...oh, well I do, as it could happen any and every night! LOL! But I am able to be at work and do my job and that is the good part.


* That my job is there, it is completely imperfect, that being the human part of it, but it's there and most days it's still awe inspiring to me that I get paid to do the job that I do and I get to continue my education while being there. Wow! I am so grateful!


* For G...yeah you're in Oregon too, but your love is here in my heart each day...You will always be my creepy and I your creepela!


* For L at work...thank you for letting me cry, hearing me blow my nose and not once making me feel like a freak... you'll never know what that meant to me, but I love you!


* For Lee in Oregon...thank you! You will never know what you're email meant to me...it is printed out and carried with me as a testament to our love and our lives shared.


* For R H and J...you are my family...my heart! Thank you for just caring and understanding...you'll never know what that means, I will be there for you too and I will always have your backs!


* For my dogs, as Lula continues to heal, Peyton and Elliot are now saddened that she's not as low key as she was and watching their pack family...well it makes me happy.


* For love, pain and all the experiences in between. I am grateful for this AFGO and as I work through it and the holidays that approach, I am grateful to have my home, my job, and mostly my health and my ability to love...I know I can be alone and strong, and healthy. It's the small and non-material things I am most grateful for, the abilty to make gifts this holiday for those in my life...cards for others, and I can give what I have in my heart and home.


* If I'm feeling,then I'm dealing and I'm healing!

Thank you all for just allowing me to feel and for not allowing the jackassery to stand!

Thank you for being here in this corner of the interwebs! I am so grateful to each of you!!!

Namaste
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Oh My Humanity...

I have been thinking and praying and turning over my life and will to the care of the god of my understanding for many moons now. Lately though, my humanness has seemingly caught up with me and I always work hard to keep my posts focused on my recovery, focused on the positivity of life and the gratitude that I have, which I do, in my heart, in my life for so much...BUT...


Uh Oh...there's a but...yes sadly there is...I have feelings around my life recently, feelings, triggers, my life at 41 NOT in any way shape or form what I thought it may be or look like, then I realize at points that maybe the life I have been working to create and to have, maybe it's only me...maybe in my marriage I have been the only one wanting this particular marriage in this particular life and in this configuration? I do truly believe that there was a soul contract with C and I, it has been fulfilled on my part, but now what?


I am currently married to a sex addict, he works his program and I have supported that but not interfered with it...that's his program not mine. I work my own program every day...some days better than others, but I am only human. I am tired of hiding my feelings in this and hiding how I feel and my emotions. Sadly most of the people I know have yet to have a truly traumatic event enter their paradigms. Those closest to me have not yet lost parents, children, spouses, outside of divorce. The grieving I am doing in my life right now is deep, it's profound and it will at the end be life changing for me. I realize that I am 41; this theme of betrayal has visited my door before and now I am at a loss as to what next...what now...?


I saw C's mistress today; she and he were together for three and a half years. I have compassion for her as she was used by him for sex and I realize that and I don't work to personalize his actions to me with her, but you know what ... it hurts so far deep down and it's so hard for me to not see that as a trigger...which it is for me and I broke apart today; I just broke into literally those million little pieces all over the place. I couldn't stop being upset, hurt, crying, angry all of it at once; all of it all over. Of course, as you would suspect this was very uncomfortable for C...he works very hard to console and work through the place I was at with love, but I was hurting deeply. I just couldn't stop and compose myself to make him or anyone else comfortable. I was lost and I am lost. The life I once created is gone; the dreams I once had were not shared, the place that we created no longer safe to me...but fills me with terror and fear. How do you work for almost seven years to create a marriage; only to have one day it shatter and you didn't break it...and work to fix it, but there are pieces that no longer fit...where do they go? Who do they belong too?


I want C's mistress and the other women to feel this pain I feel, to not have happy lives of freedom that they and C get to just walk away from it all because what they created is too much to now deal with. I am too much to deal with...the pain and the lonliness I feel.


Since this has happened like most phases of grieving in my life I have been alone and I am beginning to get the hint that maybe I am meant to be alone now. I don't have those friends that come over and comfort you with words, deeds and tea or spa days spent getting well. Right now actually I don't know who I call friend anymore...one of the women that C had an emotional affair with for two years was and called herself friend to me; we did things together...it's hard for me to see right now having close friends and not wondering anymore if they too will lie to me that way or other ways?



Just like C many were culpable in this, but sadly humans are amazing at not taking responsibility for the pains they create, are very good at making sure that you're not discomforting to them..by not addressing the pain you may be in...I want my life worries to be about office politics, bad movies watched, or mabye even the sadness where I can comfort another...but right now my pains are that of working to decide what will be the future for my life. I have no children of the two legged variety, I have no family coming around to support me...I feel alone. I feel lonely.


What I've wanted in this is for someone, anyone to just acknowledge my pain by supporting me and not ignoring me, the pain I'm in, the grief I feel, but to acknowledge me and it; that it won't be there forever, but sometimes it is; rather than just work toward small talk to acknowledge that feeling in you that also honors that feeling in me.


I have felt incredibly lonely in this, everyone has a judgement, everyone has advice, but really it's just love that I have wanted and sought to realize that when you're a woman in the world without children and of a certain age...well you know, sorry, but maybe you're invisible. I feel invisible. I long to have a family who would come to me and even if they aren't the greatest (mine was not) but to just show up and be here with me...to offer help, or a sibling even, but this is a journey I am to make on my own...which ultimately the news is we all do, we are all alone ultimately...I guess I have been wishful on that front.


Lucikly I have humor, it keeps me open to life and it's experiences, but sometimes I just can't laugh...I can't see the humor in the challenges being presented, I have read the story of Job over and over and see the wisdom there, but is it wrong that I still desire the love of another human who will not intentionally betray me. To know that I have value in this world? Since my mother died, I have not heard from another human that I have value on earth, since Jered died I have not felt safe to reveal my truest hearts desires to another and now with C...I feel that I cannot in any way or form love a person who will not ultimately betray me or find a new and exciting manner to throw me under the bus? I long to hear those words...in my heart I hear them from God, but I like everyone else who reads a blog wishes to feel it from another human...the creation that God made to share love and ultimately to show other compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, humility, peace. I too desire that. I too wish to someday feel beautiful and somehow worthy of a life and having some value to is.


I wish to with all my heart run away and start over on some deserted island, sadly this lesson would follow me there, I guess I just wish the lesson was over now and I could move on...I wish to hurry God and there is no hurrying that...I know.


I would give anything to be my friend and work partner L, who goes home to her family every night...to hear her families voices and to speak to a family that cares how I feel, yeah they can and do annoy the hell out of all of us, but I would give anything to feel my mother hug me one more time.


I would give anything to be another close friend of mine who is finding out that love can and does exist and it's where wer so least expect it. Oh to feel that again, to feel that rush of love, that rush of knowing that there just may be some hope in the world again...to know how it feels again after not knowing for so long.


I wish to move from longing to leaning into the love of god and maybe another human? What does that feel like anymore? Where can I lean without falling?


I do have gratitude, I just need to be honest that not all is great in GabiLand all the time, I am oh so human...so very human in my longing, my actions and deeds.

I have great gratitude actually for all those in my life who are not feeling what I feel now, I pray every night that they don't. That they don't feel this ever.


I have feelings of great empathy for all those who have been hurt and am grateful for the hurt as it makes me feel less and less at any point wanting to even in a sideways no one would ever find out way, want to hurt anyone.


I have gratitude that my energy will shift again, that right now is only one moment in the far greater life that reveals itself in front of me...I am just looking for hope right now, I have a flashlight!


I have gratitude for the love of my little oggles. They sit next to me now...cuddled close and warm.


I have gratitude that this was revealed, even though it is great pain, it will pass eventually and I will heal. I just know that this time I won't ever look the same or feel the same and it's in that giving up of what I have known that I mourn and yet have gratitude that there is a new day and journey ahead.


I thank so many of the bloggers for your comments, emails, your love does come through, just know I have hit a pothole, I have a path out, I will use my flashlight, but I am human...only that.

With love.

For your viewing and reading pleasure, it's an update.

So I have been feeling a bit silly lately, I have no idea if it's the blissful fall weather we have been having, but it's been in the 60-70's and clearly sunny here, which makes me feel alive...cool, crisp, and alive!



Maybe it's the amazing manner in which time moves at the fall, the manner in which we just move through our time effortlessly? Maybe it's just that I am learning, growing and moving forward in life, to focus on what is truly important to me, to also recognize that what is important to me is not the same for all of us...what a gift!!!!


So without further adieu here's my silly ol' update!


* LULA...her tests came back and her tumor is benign! I literally did a happy dance in my cubicle at work, she is for all intents and purposes, my doghter, so I love her dearly and this news was just what I needed to hear! She is healing well and has a huge franken-pug stitchery making her look like a little "Sally" dog from "nightmare before christmas!" Awwwwww


* I have worked this program for a few years now and am continually amazed at the work and the people that cross my path, I went to a meeting Sunday with the Super Duper Kristin and there was a woman who came into the program a year before me, but had last year and this year gone back out, she asked me to work with her, I accepted temporarily as she also has a very large crack issue that needs a NA sponsor also... She and I had the same sponsor, and when I came in I worked with my first sponsor for two plus years, then it got funky/weird and I did fire my first sponsor for a sponsor who was more a fit with me where I was...but there was a strangeness between she and I...I had a resentment...I did the fourth and fifth on it and it was lifted. OKAY if you've read this far you'll read the miracle here: last night I had to call her about this woman, to find out some information regarding some untruths that may have been shared by her, as she is currently using and trying to quit...she had four years and went back out. Well she (first sponsor) and I had this amazing conversation, it was great, the pride on my part had been lifted, the truth for both of us was there and that's how the program works...it was really a miracle. Honestly, I'm in awe! I continue to work my program and through the work and service...there's the miracle.


* That brings me to this, I've been pondering a lot lately...you know what...most of the sh*t that comes into our lives, I've been looking at solely from the perspective of whether this will matter 1, 3, 5, 10 years from now for me...and you know my research has shown...NO, very few things that come into my life will matter then...you know what does matter? For me, it's being kind, it's being the person at work who works toward.."yes, we can!" instead of the rest...I have taken a pledge to not imbibe in gossip or words/deeds that can hurt, at home or work, or in the line at the store, or with strangers. I forget that not only may I be the only BB a person may see, that goes for my belief system too...a person may only understand me by my actions...my deeds and may be harmed by my words, I wish to create no more harm in this world with intention...I will make my own mistakes without intention on my own! I don't want to act from "I can't but I CAN!"


* Before you think I've gone too mushy...NOPE...trust me, I still have little to share with those who lie to me, cheat, do things with intention, not work their programs, but come to meetings and share as if they are the most amazing gifts to AA possible. But love and tolerance is my code as much as I can...and when that fails, well I pray!!!


* I've been gifted some amazing blogger awards all asking me to list 10 things about myself...so I've decided to go goofy on this one and tell you about myself from a goofy perspective.


1. I have quilt of the Goddess in my cubicle given to me by my "sister" Maura, it is quilted, and she gave it to me for a Solstice gift last year...every morning I look at this and smile...it is one of the best, rockinest gifts ever given to me!


2. My mom for whatever reason always called me "mi hija" in spanish meaning my my daughter, etc...well she was fond of saying to me..."you are a MEXICAN, not a MEXICAN'T...this has stuck with me so much that I did an art piece for a show in my first year of Graduate School entitled, "the Mexican". As I've gotten older I use more Spanish words around the house, I cuss in Spanish and talk to the two and four legged's in Spanish..I have no idea why?


3. Life is all perception, what you see may not be the whole story, we have souls that are far reaching through time, through lifetimes as I believe and life will never be the black and white picture presented to me directly; it will always be filled with color, life, and a whole lot of perception.


4. I love to rock out in my car alone...I put in favorite CD's and literally rock out...I dance in the car, sing along, just seriously rocking out, anyone who has driven with me knows this ...I also like to drive on occasion like my car is stolen...I love cars...love to drive fast and every once in a spell I take the car out for a fun little spin!


5. I love to find new songs to dance too, once I find one, I listen to it and find out new ways to move to it, to dance to it, I also like to find out that at my age, my body still has moves. Oh and little known fact...I would so love to meet and talk with Mia Michaels...my fave choregrapher and I definitely try to chanel her energy!! LOL! ;-)


6. I pick out my clothes the night before for work...and call them "outfits" some at work have commented that I 'costume' for work and such...no such thing, I just like certain things and to wear them certain ways!


7. I make up words...I love to make up words..."costumery" a word I love, I have a love affair with books, words, libraries...etc...I am a true bibliophile!


8. After many years I am working in my life toward spiritual healing and had one class for a specific healing training two weeks ago and am continuing on...I have run from this innate gift in my life, and I don't want to run anymore...I have been told by many that my intuition and healing energy talents are amazing...I drank that away for years...I don't want to do that anymore.


9. My worst day sober is better than my best day drinking!!! OMG so true. I have had one HELL of a year, and you know what, the fact that I am getting through it sober and sane...wow! I still am amazed at the miracle of sobriety.


10. I have a HUGE love for birds, I watch them, draw them in a bird journal, although they all look like the same stick bird but different colors, I bird wherever I go, to find the birds that are in the area. It's a love affair with the smallest dinosaur!


11. I have nicknames for everything!


12. I love all things dark, not the shadow side of life and if you want me to explain ask. I have a magnet from a friend that says: "I only wear black because they haven't invented a darker color yet." LOL!

13. I belong to MENSA LOL, who knew right? But mostly I call myself a DENSA member as I forget a lot! I have lists for everything, and work to keep organized by the way of one small calendar!

Okay so that's all I've got, I've been reading the amazing blogs out there and each and every day am amazed and awed by so much sobriety, love, experience, strength and hope in the world.

OH one last thing...

I'm six foot tall, today I was at Kohl's I was walking to my car after returning a wrong item purchased, I was not paying attention, I stepped into a pot hole and down I went...I'm incredibly clumsy...two women came to my aid and I was so grateful...I hurt my wrist and ankle of course, but their kindness reminded me of how those small actions and words help! I am thanking them both, they may never read my blog, but hopefully they'll feel my gratitude! Thank you!


4.

LOVE LIGHT AND LETTING GO

So life moves forward, that's really all it can do. I have had one of the more interesting years of my entire life and for those who know me; that is one hell of a statement for me to make.


This past year for me, beginning in April of 2008 placed me on the path of my very own "Dark Night of the Soul." I was propelled there to look, to seek, to discover and re-member myself in the process. Over the years fueled by alcohol, drugs, and excess I numbed myself to the point where there was no more self for me to find, I was spiritually bankrupt and all together a non-entity when all was said and done.


The program of AA, the searching for and using the tools of AA and other spiritual disciplines has helped me to re-member, re-address, and re-gard my life within the context of the "sunlight of the spirit." That is not ever to imply that life is easy or we ever get away with our misdeeds. There could be those who in my former life would say that this ;dark night of the soul' for me was a bit of the old 'karma come to roost' not to punish me but to make me aware of my own actions and deeds. I am most certainly paying attention. I do believe that there are lessons in all of this for me, not that what C did was ever right or ever okay, but that what I do with the outcomes will be mine to learn from or to disregard and act "as if" it'a ll okay and I am FINE...which that word in AA has a very different meaning for us...(when we say 'I'm Fine' we're actually saying "I'm F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Egotistical) I am sure we could all fill in the blank there, but for me, it helps me to remember that there are legitimate feelings, legitimate outcomes and real lessons to be learned in not just covering it up and moving into DENIAL.


The past month has finally brought me some openness in my life in some new directions and some closing of the doors to the past. Having the realization that all life is perception and not everyone acts from their higher selves; that there are people in the world who are predators, knowing that there are people who actually don't hold LOVE as a value, they say the word and it means little or nothing to them. How is that possible, I have no idea, and I don't really care to, it's a great mystery to me that can stay a mystery; for me to delve into that abyss means I may actually understand it. To act without conscience...


I had the opportunity this week to share honestly with a "frienmy" ...they had stated repeatedly how they were honest and only wanted that in their lives, so when I was honest about certain aspects of the program and healing, they ended up dissolving the 'frienemy' status...which with all due respect was my higher power looking out for me, it was such a great relief. This person does not deal with reality well or their actions in it and they continue to create drama that is so full of hot mess that it is beyond my scope. It is that realization that our energy has far reasching affects through time and space that hurts and affects others, we are not living in isolated bubbles from one another, but we are all connected, but soemtimes when someone doesn't want the connection to the light, then I will never force it. We all have various paths to the 'sunlight of the spirit' and some may never find it and it's not my job to force them to it, but to LET GO. To just accept life on lifes terms, to let others live however they wish, but if you ask me to be honest...I WILL. I have found that in confronting my own reality and honesty about who I am, not who I was, but what and how I got to be where I am...it helps And honestly I had some heavy duty knocks for me to wake up in my life to where I am now. I am enjoying my now currently, it is all about manifesting and perception of what it is and what it can and will be; for that I am most grateful taht I no longer chose to allow day to day things shape my moods, or other peoples opinions of me, that's for them to know, not me to act on or assume, that today I have friends who are honest with me in a true, real way and I don't take offens instead I take interest and listen...pray then meditate and discern for my own self and intuition.



I didn't wake up an alcoholic one day, or married to a sex addict one day by accident, it all happened because I was unable to look at myself, my life, and my choices honestly. I almost lost everything because of my selfishness and self centered behaviors, but truly by the grace of God I still have my life, my dearest friends and even some new ones who have revealed themselves to me in this time of my life to be true friend, and I've been able to let some friendships go that were never really going to be that no matter how hard I worked at it. I also have realized that this is the journey of my soul; that my purpose is not tied to one dimension in my life or job, or people, but in the soul...the mystery of life. What a gift!


I've recently been gifted a wonderful set of circumstances in healing gifts. I've been to a lightworkers healing training, been working on chakras and allowing my own spiritual nature and gifts to come to the surface for a peek...this feels so freeing to me, that spirit that has always been inside is finally being allowed to come out.
I was told by my spiritual director that we all have the toolbox of tools, we have to chose the right tool for the right project and we always need our flashlights; she has helped me so much to place amazing tools in my toolbox, to use my flashlight when in the dark and even allowed me to borrow hers when I could not find mine; now mind you she's not easy, she is a very truthful woman who has called me on much in my life, but when I offer you my flashlight to borrow and you refuse because you like the dark, then I will continue on my journey and wish you the best for yours.


I have been working on my own spiritual journeys and my conscious contact with God...how I truly have begun to understand just the bare minimums of that relationship and it's evolution in my life. Without all of you bloggers, the friends I have who have stuck by me, the loves of my life who are present and passed, and the future of this journey, it is today that I reach out for the sunligh of the spirit as it passes through me.


UPDATE on Lula...she is progressing well, her bandaid comes off today so we will witness her Franken-Lula-ness today...and hope she does not try for the whole next two weeks to lick the stitches out.


Gratitude:

* That today my heart is filled only with love for those in my life, but also for honesty, I cannot lie to you to save your feelings, nor can I lie to deny who I am...that is a gift from God...To Thine Own Self be True.


* For AA, I have mixed feelings for some of the folks in my local circle, but at least we're on the journey together, and thank goodness I can as my friend Tony says, 'hear the message and leave the mess'...


* For my wonderful doggles...they are the best...and if you have oggles and kittles, they are the best too...may we all become the people they think we are!


* For Robyn, who continues to amaze me in all ways...thank you!

* For XBox...playing games with my friend Gordie who is 2600 miles from me but ocmpletely has my back in the gamer world...I <3 you my SurlyLilMonkey!!!


* For new found love in friends' lives...the love of art, each other, dance, light, peace...all of it amazing and new once again to our eyes.


* For music....what would I do without my mp3 player...it keeps me balanced when the world feels sideways.


* For my higher power, as today I've been able to not imbibe in gossip, or speak poorly of others, to offer me the peace and serenity to make it through situations that used to befuddle me and baffle me to the point of terror...thank you!

* For bloggers...thank you!

* For those I know who care and those who I care for, may we meet, part and be merry along the way! Thank you for all the gifts you reveal always


* For C; who has revealed in me my humanness...what a gift that vulnerability, what a gift that rawness. And for making me delicious burritos on a Saturday afternoon; what a gift...<3

Light and Love

UPDATE ON THE WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

Well the warrior princess puggy Lula has come out of her surgery! She is okay, she did sadly lose some blood as her tumor was very close to her vein, so she's a bit weak but stable and recovering!!! I am so grateful! We will find out the results from the surgery in the next ten days hopefully! Please keep her in your prayers that it is benign! I cannot wait to hold her in my arms today *gently* for all of your thoughts and prayers sent to her, I am so grateful for all of you!!!




THANK YOU!!! She is my child in all ways and knowing she could experience pain or hurt just hurt me too!!! So thank you for healing prayers, love and grace shared!!!





To thank you I've included a video clip, something I rarely do, but this one I love and still watch regularly to make me smile and remember the joy it is to be human!!!





The story of the video is Matt Harding takes videos of himself all over the world..."dancing poorly" we all have our silliness that we do...C and I have for years done a THUMBS UP sign in very serious pictures, those of you who see me on Facebook see those goofy photos. So to all of our silliness, our goofiness, our loves, our graces, our joys...enjoy...EMBRACE YOUR GRACE!





Thank you with all the gratitude and love without further adieu...Here's Matt:

Little Puggy Wuggy...do you not feel well?

This is Lula, her full name is Tallulah Belle W. Her nicknames go from Girkin (she's my little pickle), Miss Precious Perfect, Precious, Lu, Suki Yaki (the superheroine of her own mind), and her little nicknames are as big as her personality.



Lula weighs 19.6 lbs. She is a rescue, all three of our pugs are rescued. She has been with us for five years, and her sixth birthday will be on December 15, 2009. Lula has a backstory, much like my other dogs, we've given them their own lives without us, they have their own very srong personalities and Lula is a strong one. She is a lover of a dog and will let you know, she will sit on you, stare at you, try to give you kisses, lay on you, roll around on you, but if she does not like you; she will not give you the time in her puggy world. She is a strong little dog, a fierce warrior of a dog...she fiercely guards H and J when they are here and I remember when J was a bit smaller he would cry and she would run to him to be near his side; when I have been sick, down, or just needed a friend she is the one at my side. She will be your friend when she feels you need one.


Today I am asking for prayers and healing thoughts for my little warrior princess. As a woman who has not had children of her own my dogs are very much my family; they are my children in many respects and one of my family is sick.


Lula has a tumor. A tumor on her foot; she has her first surgery tomorrow....they will remove the tumor to determine what type of tumor it is. It showed up on her a week ago and it has not gone away nor gotten smaller, so our vet asked that we act quickly. We are! We don't have credit cards nor money for this, right now so we've had to borrow money from friend we can pay back with each paycheck. That is how this works, normally we'd be okay but we had three bills hit us hard; paid the bills then luckily our friend has been able to help us as they can. That is the way the universe works and when we have the opportunity to do so; we will help another in the same manner. Thank goodness for those friends; they may be one angel among many for my dear little hearted girkin.


I am writing this post just to get this out of me. I am scared...she is my baby in so many ways and as she sits on our floor chewing on her "woobie" (plushy toys) I am reminded of her love, undying and unconditional. Please send a prayer for her tomorrow. As soon as I find out anything I will post a blog. I just need her to get throught his first part, anyone who knows pugs knows that putting them under is difficult on them due to their smooshed faces. So for us the first part of the journey is her getting through tomorrow, then the tumor itself, but I am just focused on tomorrow; one day at a time for her too!


I thank you with all the gratitude in my heart, I know that right now in our world there is so much happening with the world and people in it, so I thank you for thinking of my little girlee girl Lula.


Thank you and with much love,

Gabi