Willingness

So this past weekend was one that was filled with some amazing moments and sometimes I realize when I am willing to look that life is great...when I say to myself that this or that is hard then really it's only my perception of it and it's my responsibility to really see what is in front of me and what is happening in my NOW.

This past weekend was a weekend with just the DH and I, we ended up attending for two days straight an Art/Crafts/Music adn fun Festival in our city called FestivALL and we had a blast looking all around at the crafts, the amazing aritsans, the antiques, the art and just enjoying one anothers company, it was amazing to connect together and just have some fun together, something we haven't done too much of as it seems that life has been busy with work, life, work, kids, sleep,work, family, work, friends...etc..

What made the weekend great was just that I realized that I was realizing the promises in my life...that after painstakingly working the steps and being able to work the steps on a daily basis the promises were and are coming true in my life.

The DH and I walked to the FestivALL, hung out together and then walked over to my sponsors house to visit and have some delicius licorice iced tea. Then as we sat there she read us a great short story...it was truly one of the best moments in my life; to have my sponsor who just a few months ago was undergoing her brain tumor surgery and has the second surgery this July 28th, it was incredible to just be with her and hear the story that she read to us and to share with us the joy and the incredibly graceful human she is...she is truly a miracle and I am so blessed to know her and learn from her.

The whole weekend was like this and although I know that all this will change yet again; for now it's amazing. For NOW it's all that's in front of me and whatever comes next, well,I'll deal with that when it comes up next.

My gratitude is huge and long and the gratitude that I have for everyone on the blogs and in my life, I am forever in awe and inspired.

All We Need is ...LOVE!

You know I have been so grateful lately, my life has currently presented me with many, many challenges. As I go out to the world to be in the world of people I realize that we all have sharp edges that we bump into with each other, some use their edges and prickly parts to keep us away and others just sort of float off into various sunsets...never to be seen from again.

The program of AA has offered me freedom, happiness, joy, and most importantly...LOVE!

Yes, that's right, LOVE, in all of it's forms, that of strange, amazing, freaky, weird, wild, wonderful, all forms of LOVE!

My Higher Power if having to be labeled, (which I refrain from personally, but for this post will label) LOVE. For me, that power which is and will always be greater than me, is LOVE.

Do I love, love? No. Am I in love with love? No. Do I love all, all the time? Yes!

Is that last one hard to do? Absolutely!!!!

I have no doubt that human beings somehow along their journeys forget that we are here on earth to share, show, reciprocate, and just out and out give LOVE.

If there was a gift that God gave each of us, it's our ability to love one another, even when we don't feel like showing up, sharing, being nice, when our feelings get hurt, when we hurt one another. It's no wonder that we don't share/show/give our love freely, we live in a culture that pits us in competition against each other, we go to war with each other and we are constantly bombarded with images and ideas that show us that we are not alright just the way we are, with the items we have and that we need to do more, have more, be more in order to just be okay. So that LOVE that we feel, well, it sort of takes a back seat to other "more important" queries.

Now do I believe that there is anything more important that love? NOPE.

For me, I was somehow infused with DNA that just loves to share love, with anyone who is close with me they will tell you that LOVE is what makes me whole again, I was broken and spiritually bankrupt due to the fact that I was an alcoholic who drank to feel loved, but it's not a real love and it turned on me, and in turn hurt anyone who was close to me, or within a reasonable proximity of me.

My DNA tends to always direct me to love, to the abiltity to pick up, work toward and share love.

I have watched many in my life, including me, struggle with love, our ability to accept love primarily, that many always find that there are ulterior motives to loving you, or someone like you. It is despairing to me that people constantly hurt others using the guise of "love" to hurt another human, or withdrawing love from another in order to "correct" a behavior.

Love is not to be trifled with at all and karmically I would highly suggest that you not use love to an advantage or a gain...Love is just that love, it has it's own life, it's own energy.

Love for me is amazing in it's miraculous healing abilities, and it's amazing joy.

Have I been hurt by LOVE? Nope, but I've been hurt by humans who say they are loving, and then do something with that to harm another, but it is not love that hurt me, it was the hurt and ailing human.

So where am I going with all of this? Probably nowhere, I just needed to say it and say thank you, for loving me when I was incapable of doing that myself.

Life is NOW my waking Dream

For me the core of the program of AA is in the spiritual solution. I am not a religious person, although those who know me and have known me recognize that I've tried on about every type of religion seeking solutions to that which pained me. Of course, each and everyt time I tried one I failed, because I was not willing to clean up my side of the street, not willing to take responsibility for my own actions and unable to recognize that I had a problem (albeit many). For years I deluded myself with the idea that if I were to give up drinking and other things I would not be *creative* anymore, I would somehow lose my edge in life and be unable to create the way I did, write the way I wanted, or do just about anything with the flair that I so enjoyed.

The picture above for me is a representation of how I dream myself. I figure myself a pagan, a witch of sorts and faeries have for a LONG time been a true part of my spirituall life, why...I don't know that answer anymore than anyone who can answer to their deepest faith beliefs, since being the the program it has become apparent that they WHY's of life are not important, it really has become the fact for me that I have a spritual life that works for me and a higher power that I put my faith in that does for me what I cannot do for myself. It took me many years to come out of the Fae Closet as we say, but my energy just runs that way and as it seems as I get older tends to get stronger, as does my belief.

I express this in this blog only to share that all of our beliefs/faiths in a higher power are different, as different as we are different as humans, but it's our belief and our faith in that higher power to do for us what we cannot do, it matters not the WHY or the IMAGE of the higher power, but it is the fact for us that we believe...

In order for me to relieve myself of the bondage of me, I needed to have a higher power, one that for me was beautiful, forgiving, loving, amazing, creative, and divine...I found that after I entered AA and I continue to belong to my life and give gratitude to my higher power in ways that amaze and are sublime each day.

It is my higher power that helps me to see each and every day the divine greatnesss that exists exactly where I am...in my own back yard there is life and in my life there is a new life each day that I wake up breathing and above ground.

That picture is my now...that picture used to be my dream which has now become my waking dream, or my life however you like to see it.

Today I am grateful for...

*completing one year of dance, tribal fusion belly dance has kicked my butt, but I have learned, I have grown and I have the privilege of continuing for another year.

* completing the first nine months at a job that has also kicked my butt with personalities, hard t work with students and sometimes even harder to work with partners has helped me to see that everyone is a lesson for me to learn from; to grow from and to grow into compassion.

*that I can love today, that 's a miracle.

*that today I can be honest, rigorously so, that amazes me, that I can be honest and be amazed by the miracles that grow each day.

* that I have friends I can be honest with and share who I am with them and they with me, how amazing is that truly when most of my life I hid and lied to everyone about who I was...today I can be myself and that's a miracle.

* that I can dance in a recital where my close friend Pat is there, my DH is there, my sponsor is there and can express that creativity ... who knew.

*that I have the ability to blog, to write, share, read and grow in amazement at the journeys of others....thank you!!!

Love to you all~*
Keep Waiting for Magick~*

Mercury ...Moving Along aka...How I got my Serenity back!

You know what I love about the blogs, much like meetings I always hear what I need too...even if it's not easy to hear or my ego is getting in the way, I hear it.

Mercury retrograde is always a period of ::re:: evaluation for me, it's that time to revise, revalue, and research what is happening in my life for the prior 90 days. It's sort of like natures way of having me look at my life and work on the steps if things are not going well. It's a natural reminder for me. This last retrograde period was a difficult one for many people, at a meeting that Kristin and I were at on Friday we could hear it over and over again, that communication was hard for folks, there were periods of pain and readjustment. This was a great reminder for me as were all the comments that I received about my last post!

You know again the miracle in my life wasn't that I wanted to drink this last time of confusion and struggle that was going on as a matter of fact I was able to more quickly let go of any expected outcome that I wanted or felt like should be the result.

Alcohol is but a symptom for me and my crazy brain can move quickly when dealing with others, but I don't have a life that allows me to not come into contact with others so my rough edges are bumping into others all the time. I work hard on a daily basis to not overthink things, but to let things just be; where dancing comes in handy for me is that as I do moves I realize that my body memory has those moves too if I don't think about it; it comes to be the way it's supposed to be.

More is always revealed to me and as life continues to be full; so do the revelations that come to light and the process of peeling away the layers that I felt for years were protecting me were honestly only harming me. In the end almost to the point of taking my life; but by the grace of my Higher Power, the program, my ability to be rigorously honest and practice these principles in all of my affairs...that not only keeps me sane but sober.

Today I am most grateful for so much....

* My DH who over the past few weeks much has been revealed to he and I about being married and what that means to us is amazing...it gets more amazing even in times of aches and pains we keep realizing that we are meant to be together...Love is more than splendid, it's a miracle that it happens in the manner that it does each and every day and lifetime.

* Kristin...how can I ever thank you...your words today meant so much to me, more than I could ever, ever express. You are the dearest heart and I am so honored that your my friend.

* Even though work partner continues to perplex me, I have let it go as I have no control over it anymore...no more anger, worry, or confusion, instead through working with other (A) you helped me to see that I couldn't control it, change it, I was powerless over it and it was unmanagable...that's ok, just let it be. I was able to with prayer, compassion and working my program, not taking the inventory of others.


* For my friend out west L! Each day your in my thoughts, and I am sending you lots and lots of energy for healing...we will have to chat soon...a long, full chat.

* For the realization that L and I are friends; after all that I did and all the time I couldn't be a friend, you are now my friend and I cherish that so much!

* For having a job! A job where I can be myself.

* For my dance sisters...wow you always amaze me, surprise me and honor me with your dancing and your love...what an amazing group of women...in my own backyard.

* For all my blogger friends, this past few weeks would have meant very little to me without you helping me with your suggesstions of what I can do to let go and let god in...thank you so much!!!

* For being alive...that's a miracle.

Letting Go and Letting Love...Finding Love In Loss

The past few weeks have been tumultuous weeks in my personal, work, and spirit life. I find that when Mercury goes retrograde I try very hard to not make any big moves, sign contracts or state anything that would be otherwise deemed official. I try to just allow the planets to align themselve and keep my head down about me while I do my work, whatever work that may be.

One of the greatest gifts of AA for me has been the notion that once I am sober, life doesn't magickally improve, there are steps I take to help it along, and still there will be those times when alcohol was but a symptom of a much greater illness. That illness is not only cunning, baffling, and powerful, but it is at it's root insidious and terrifying.

Recently at work a co-worker has managed through her own ineptitude to get three day weekends for herself while getting paid for full-time work, when she is at work she refuses to work and every single person on the team has complained, so how was it resolved? She now gets Fridays off and we have to cover for her work. It took me some time to figure out why this was so strange and felt so horrible to me, but it finally clicked yesterday for me that it is out of bounds, it makes no sense that she gets to have three day weekends and the rest of us get to work to fill in for her? How is that fair? The truth is, it's not! It won't ever be fair and it brought me to that most terrifying of fears that I have to look at all the time and avoid like the plague...LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

My mother, when we would argue would always remind me that there are no guarantees in life...that's it! I remember railing against that phrase and that life wasn't fair...why is it not fair...why if I play by the same rules do I and others get punished? Now you all don't know the whole story and I realize that I can't write it all out here as it would put most of you to sleep, of course it is through my own eyes that it's being revealed, which means it comes filtered through my own lenses.

I find that I do have a need to just write out what has been strangely unfair in the past month, if I get it out of my system I can see that it's filled with fear and my reaction to it will not change it, so please bare with me on these:

• Work has been bizarre, we work late hours, with hard students and haven't had a break since January, and yet for the summer months, the person who works the least, spends more time on her cell phone than her work phone now gets three day weekends for the summer...I wonder if I talked all day on the phone, picked my nose, made crass remarks if I could get four day weekends .... all joking aside, it has pushed the morale at my job to an all time low and we are struggling just to keep things moving along.

• My personal life is shambles, many of the resentments I felt were dealt with came back recently and I have no idea what to do; they are not my resentments, they are those of my DH and his fears have him captive and had definitely moved to take him hostage and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, but I do know that it hurts like crazy and I wish that somehow I had a potion to remove it, but I don't.

• One of my dearest friends was diagnosed with Diabetes, this is very difficult, it's like when I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic, no one wants these diseases diagnosed in their families, no one wants this to be true or happening, but it is and again somehow I wish that I could stretch across the states and just give her a hug and tell her I love her greatly and in time it will be okay...but to take care of herself, I need her in my life!

• I realized recently that I was not raised by wolves but really probably would have been better off if I had been, there are so many stunning gaps in my learning curve that it is phenomenal that I am alive...but I am. For that I'm grateful, but I wish that there would have been wolves around growing up.

• I am fighting internally in regards to where I am these days, where I want to be...my heart hurts almost all the time and I feel like I'm bleeding all over the place, I can't hide it anymore, I feel like the key in the story of BlueBeard, when the wife finds it it won't stop bleeding in her hands...that's me...the key that has hidden all the secrets and wrapped them up to get away from them, but you can't ... for some reason life doesn't allow you to escape your own journey.

• One of my favorite people who I met when he came into the program after I had been there a year + went back out, and he taught me a HUGE lesson these past two weeks, he texted me and asked me to help him...he had been out..I called his sponsor immediately and they found him, but he asked for help...HUGE lesson there...and I thank him for it...

Life is currently throwing me many curve balls, there are the curveballs that come directly at me and those that seem to swing around and hide and the moment I turn my back, they hit be square in the head.

On the way to work today, I realized that not only is life not fair and that there are no gurantees to any of it, but the only thing I can do is seek and stand on the side of love, there is no room for fear or hate, but only love...that's all I've got anymore.

I miss my friend L out west, I wish I could sit with her and have her give me a hug, and just tell me that it will all be okay, I wish that DH would figure his way out of his pain with love, and hug me and tell me that we'll be okay, I wish, I wish, I wish, but it's not going to change any of it...

It's not fair and it's not right, but it is what it is and I can't change it, I can only ask my HP to help me to change to accept it and to move through it with whatever grace I may be given today.

I came into work today, a work partner who I care about was running outside of the door, another work partner was coming in the door and we caught her and asked her if she was okay, she blurted out in tears that her daughter and grandchildren had been in a wreck on the highway...we both tried to stop her ... she yelled that the grandbabies had been taken to the hospital, but that they were cutting her daughter out of her car...in that moment...it hit me like a ton of bricks...we all have so much to be grateful for and yet we never recognize it until it may be too late...as it turned out, the grandbabies are okay and her daughter after having her car pinned underneath a semi has two broken legs and some other physical injuries but will be okay! This too is also a moment to notice...

The perspective that I see is the one that I create, and where it may not seem or appear fair, it is what the universe has created for me, what are the lessons for me to learn?

That I am not an island, that today my eyes are so sore from crying so much recently that two co-workers asked me if I had black eyes, that I need help from those I love, I need love...like everyone else and that today it is okay to breathe and just be a human among humans...that to err and stand on the side of love is the blissful spot that we get sneak peaks at, but maybe we don't get to stay there for a long time, but that life in all of it's glory is forever being revealed, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but when we work for the greater good, they will be there.

For Mother's Day...

I have been a woman who has been stuck in many ruts throughout my life...it all started when I was a child and I remember being fixated by people, things, or as my friends say now, "shiny objects" LOL!

The truth for me today is that as I grew up and became an adult I would get stuck in many and various types of ruts; whether they were about others, school, lovers, friends and family... my personal vehicle just ran right toward the ruts.

Why I dedicated this to Mother's Day is I have of course been thinking about my mother, listening to others gripe about their mothers, not knowing what to do or buy, you know what...don't buy a thing...just thank them and love them and leave it at that; now that you're a grown up there's not much that they can do or shape you into without your permission, so just thank them for having you and love them for the life they gave you.

The life my mother gave me was pretty sketchy at best, but I am not alone in this at all, I just wish that I could in person thank her for the life she gave me.

There was one thing she ALWAYS said to me that I still hold true to today..."when you're in a rut, and you stay there, watch out because the rut will become your grave." I took heed to these words, sometimes maybe too closely, but they still ring true to me today.

Recently my character defects have been made obvious and openly to you the readers and to myself, I just don't suffer fools well and I don't have a high tolerance for the BS of others...not because I am callous, harsh, or ill willed, but because I want you to see the life that is before you, the one that you may be taking for granted and it may end before you know it.

One thing I recognize today is that I will NEVER have enough time on earth with the people I love, NEVER! There isn't enough time for me to share the love I have, show them the love I have or even tell them how much I love them...life in this body is finite.

None of us are 'terminally unique' we are all human, we are all trying to move through life the best way we can and the best way we know how...but for me I will not suffer those who put themselves down, lie to others, or stay stuck because they are afraid to reach out...this is a part of the human condition, to ask for help, but when you ask, you are open to helping others and you are open to love...it is that simple.

My WORST day sober is BETTER than any of my days drinking..this is why you can't bullshit a bullshitter...I've can keep up with the best of them, but it's a choice..to lie is a choice whether to others or yourself...you can't keep up with them after a period of time and they will cave in on you and hurt only you...others really aren't as worried about you as you wish/will them to be.

My worst day sober is still a gift, one of magick and love...

My life has been a "hot mess" and there are those who read my blog who know me from "back in the day..." and they know it was a hot mess of lies, sadness, making the poorest of choices I could make...but it never dawned on me that not only was I making those choices I was hurting others with them...OUCH...that's the step four and five working in my life...each and every day.

Step ten for me helps me to keep my karmic debt grounded and helps me to focus on today and what's in front of me only...that hot mess has to be cleaned up and when I mess up again, because I will, it says in the BB, "when these things crop up..." not IF they crop up...so you see, I get to remain human, not superhuman, but today I have a way to not go forward and create the hot mess I used to be...and trust me I am forever grateful.

I came to AA wanting to stop drinking and stop running, I was in some serious pain and didn't know if I could stop, so when you say to me I just don't understand, ... you bet your ass I do, twenty years of hurting myself, hurting others and hitting so many bottoms I'm surprised I have an ass to drag around today...well I understand, and my hand will always be there for others, but you know what I've also learned...you have to work it if you want it...that means every day all day.

There is no cure...I will never be cured of alcoholism, I will never someday miraculously wake up cured, I have a disease, it is not my rut, it is not my crutch, it is however what brought me to the place I am now...happy, joyous and free.

Happy, Joyous and Free...too many of us are too scared of this because it means that I had to become responsible for all three of those, I can no longer live in the past, I have to face my present and work the best I can to allow my HP to work through me, I have to move out to the way to let the energy in...

I find for myself that I can no longer be confined to my past regrets or the injuirious treatment that others had in mind, they can only be in my space for as long as I let them, I certainly don't let them off the hook, but I certainly don't hold on to the hook and find a place for it to slide into me..

I think that my own ruts are those that I recognize today sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but there are there...and I sometimes get in them, and then someone in AA quickly comes along (because I own a cell phone and call them) to help me out of the rut, they know the way out and I am forever grateful.

I hope that you all have a brilliant, bright, and loving Mother's Day, whether you have children or not, have lost children, or not, are step parents, or not...it's a bright day...you may not have your mom now, but she's still with you for better or for worse...you're here and for that I am grateful...

Life in a Hail of Bullets...

A very interesting week is finally coming to an end...thank goodness.

• I have discovered that one of the greatest pet peeves I have is people who are duplicitious and mean to others for no other reason than just to be, "kinda important."
• Worse than that when you call them on it because they said "hey, we're cool" then they end up playing the "victim" card at work...this is painful and frusterating.
• I have discovered that another pet peeve is people who are uncomfortable because you have feelings, and when they have feelings, you're there listening and being open, when you have feelings...well...it's crickets...
• I don't likebeing a giraffe in a world of gorgeous shetland ponies and I don't like being a black sheep in a world of peacocks...
• I have a hard time understanding people who tell you one thing and do another...why?
• When my husband asked me to divorce him, I was at work, you know what, I stayed at work, finished the day and didn't take it out on anyone...(this was last year). I didn't play the victim and sabotage others because I was having a helaciously shitty day.
• This year when life has been incredibly stressful and painful, when people have attacked me for being a step parent with feelings and ideas, I still stayed at work and didn't take it out on anyone...oh, and I didn't lie to anyone about anything.
• When I say that things are okay, I mean it...I don't go to others at work and say that same thing that I was asked not to say and I wasn't nasty to you...
• I don't likepeople who say "it's cool"and then stop talking to you because they don't like you but can't say it to your face....instead say it to anotherfloor at work...ugh...
• I guess I don't like passive agressive people, they really scare me and freak me out.
• I don't like office politics, especially those that are directed toward you personally.
• My job is a CONSTANT lesson in humility and keeping it simple...I am grateful and yet at the same timeI long inside for a job that would be one that contributes more to the whole of humanity and helping the world in a more positive manner.
• I wish that sometimes only once in awhile people would thank you for helping them get into school instead of being rude, insolent and acting with a sense of entitlement.
• I wish that only once in awhile someone would ask me how I am, instead of me listening to how they are. which usually is miserable, upset, pained, sad, in fear...is anyone out there happy or having a great week?
• I am tired of mean people on television getting all the laughs because they can make fun of or exploit others fears and insecurities...that's not funny and it has led only to people being crappier to those who are there to truly help and those who are happy...
• I am tired of people feeling it is within their realm to act crappy to you because they aren't happy...
• That I am so grateful that today I have a program that helps me to discern this hail of bullets and instead of having to dwell in fear or insecurity I can talk to someone, pray for it to be removed and turn my thoughts to those I can help (thank goodness I have a job that allows me to help people all day long...)
• Today I am grateful that myDH can sit with me while I cry and just sit with me and not try to fix it or make it better but just to allow me to feel what I needed to feel and let it go.
• Sometimes I wish that I had a mom still, I really do, to talk to, to share with,and to help me work out some of the things of life, but today I don't dwell there, I just understand that it is the way it is and that's that.
• I am so excited today that I do have people in AA who can help me work through all these things and I don'thave to dwell there, nor shut the door on any of it...I can just let it be, clean my side of the street, let it go and let my Higher Power work it out for me...
• I am incredibly grateful for this blog and just being able to be myself, let it out, maybe no one will ask me but I can share .... thank you!
• That this too shall pass and Iam so grateful that even though this was a week that made me cry every night of it from work and even at work...I know it will pass today and I don't have to drink, I don't have to alter my life through substances, I can jusst accept it and know that it will pass...phew.
• I am grateful that life offers me another chance, always...even though I'm a perfectionist, I realize that I don't have to be perfect, I can just be...I can realize that not everyone has to like me, nor will everyone and people will always complain no matter how hard I work, or contribute or help...it just is the way of humans at times.
• I wish and pray that fear would not fuel us so much and if we could just stop at times and hold the fears, love, pain and changes with each other in a genuine and authentic manner without freaking others out or being freaked out,but so far that hasn't happened, I will still keep trying.
• Gratitude...Love...Peace...Serenity....thank goodness.