
For me lately, opening the heart has not been something I have been doing, my Heart Chakra has been working overtime, so I've been working on grounding, relaxing, staying in the moment, and being honest...
Being in AA has taught me to be honest, when I can't be honest, for whatever reason, (like the question, "does this outfit make me look bad" and I don't have an answer, I am quiet). Work has been rife with politics lately, the morale is low, there really are no manners of rewards for work well done, so it's gotten a bit gnarly, I just keep my head down, I have no comment in it, people will focus on what they chose to focus on, and I will still be here working. I can't change that. I accept it as it is.
I remember coming into AA and finding rooms of people who were honest and wished that for you too, they wanted your best life to be lived, and that meant becoming honest with yourself, to find the "promises" and live them, with integrity. I work toward that each and every day as my life continues to reveal, not only the sadder and less profound images of humanity, but the deeply discontented realities that people live in and create.
I used to create a life that was not worth living, one that was not true, it was all about denial and keeping "you" away from "me." There was no "we" or space for a "we" in my world. I grew up with a very active addict, I learned how to gauge my thoughts, my actions, and my behaviors to keep her at bay and not in my space as much as possible. Growing up my friend Lee and I would joke (not always funny though) that our parents were trying to "gaslight" us, to create madness inside us by being inconsistent, lucikly as we aged, we found out that they were inconsistent and completely incongruent with their abiltity to parent or love. My mother was notorious for stating in one breath that I was a great daughter only to breathe out and call me every name imaginable that was neither great nor good, mostly sinister and somehow at 14 on...having some ability to project myself into the time/space continuum in order to mess with her life. This inconsistency in others is something that today I find very difficult to tolerate.
I think that my previous post stated that I am not one in recent months to tolerate the jackassery of others deceit. There are many who played a role in the deceit that revealed itself recently in my life, from my 'husband' C who is a sex addict and working a program, to the other women, who were in my life, or very close to it. I have forgiveness in my heart, not quite yet though... I realized that I cannot take people off the hook for their choices that were clearly made with intent. (Now don't worry, I know I cannot harbor resentment either and I will not), but I also know that when we allow others to be cruel, to get away with behaviors that are treacherous, we do ourselves and the others no good. I was not let off the hook for my behaviors in AA, I have had to and continue to on a daily basis (Step 10) give amends as necessary. I majorly harmed people who I dearly care about, there was a period of time where I did not speak to those I loved as they were not ready to hear from me. These things take time, but if I were just "forgiven" as if nothing happened, as if I didn't do anything, I would not have healed at all, I would not have forgiven myself, forgiven others, nor worked the steps each and every day.
Even today I recognize that the people in my life and around my life continue to be duplicitious, of course, sadly, that is only them, but I also realize that I don't have anything to hide in this anymore. This is truly on them. My hiding only makes it worse for me, we are only as sick as our darkest most well kept secrets, I have no need for secrets in this anymore.
The affects of this are for me EMOTIONAL, I've experience anxiety like you'd not believe, I've felt grief, shame, anger, overwhelmed, all of them at the same time. I break down when I least expect it, I sleep more, less, not at all; it's very disconcerting to me. The effects have been COGNITIVE, I've had issues concentrating, a two hour movie seems overwhelming to me. My memory is goofy, I cannot make a decision some days to save my life, or I waffle on one's that I know I would usually just be able to make, I also have to keep copious notes at work for myself now...the PHYSICAL effects have been awkward, there's the falling, my balance has been off, I have headaches, I am tired, (that's the mono) and I am sometimes just worn down from feeling...then there's the BEHAVIORAL, I've had the sleep disturbances, can't watch or see or read anything that has something to do with an affair, my work habits are strange, I now have to pick out my clothes before work in order to not have to debate myself what to wear...I have a more rigid sense at times...to feel safe!
All of these at once, well they are overwhelming to say the least. I've been here before, but sadly not sober. I chose to eat, drink, shop, sex, lie, buy, pretend it all away...you know what that got me? NOTHING, but more pain and more lessons to learn later.
I think that for those involved or now denying involvement they of course will have their own paths to journey on and cross, I will have my own, but today I do it without having to "pretend" or LIE about who I am, or what my life is; it's that congruence from the inside and the outside...it is NOT easy to be that way in our world, we live in an unforgiving and oftentimes cruel world and situations don't greet us at our path, they pummel us until we are somehow ready to see them just as they are...ACCEPTANCE.
Each day I practice acceptance with all of my being; to accept for me DOES NOT mean to CONDONE ... or to LIKE it, it means that I accept that life is exactly where it is, that's it, there's nothing major or shifty with that, it just is. It's not easy at all, I can accept each day that there will be people who will continue to lie in order to make themselves and others in their lives more comfortable, but I cannot lie today, about my part in things, or where I stand with it, because today I do stand...not always strongly, but certainly not laying down anymore...
I will not lie...I have nothing to hide and that is one of the most amazing gifts AA and all those in the program have shared with me.
Much Love!







