LOVE LIGHT AND LETTING GO

So life moves forward, that's really all it can do. I have had one of the more interesting years of my entire life and for those who know me; that is one hell of a statement for me to make.


This past year for me, beginning in April of 2008 placed me on the path of my very own "Dark Night of the Soul." I was propelled there to look, to seek, to discover and re-member myself in the process. Over the years fueled by alcohol, drugs, and excess I numbed myself to the point where there was no more self for me to find, I was spiritually bankrupt and all together a non-entity when all was said and done.


The program of AA, the searching for and using the tools of AA and other spiritual disciplines has helped me to re-member, re-address, and re-gard my life within the context of the "sunlight of the spirit." That is not ever to imply that life is easy or we ever get away with our misdeeds. There could be those who in my former life would say that this ;dark night of the soul' for me was a bit of the old 'karma come to roost' not to punish me but to make me aware of my own actions and deeds. I am most certainly paying attention. I do believe that there are lessons in all of this for me, not that what C did was ever right or ever okay, but that what I do with the outcomes will be mine to learn from or to disregard and act "as if" it'a ll okay and I am FINE...which that word in AA has a very different meaning for us...(when we say 'I'm Fine' we're actually saying "I'm F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Egotistical) I am sure we could all fill in the blank there, but for me, it helps me to remember that there are legitimate feelings, legitimate outcomes and real lessons to be learned in not just covering it up and moving into DENIAL.


The past month has finally brought me some openness in my life in some new directions and some closing of the doors to the past. Having the realization that all life is perception and not everyone acts from their higher selves; that there are people in the world who are predators, knowing that there are people who actually don't hold LOVE as a value, they say the word and it means little or nothing to them. How is that possible, I have no idea, and I don't really care to, it's a great mystery to me that can stay a mystery; for me to delve into that abyss means I may actually understand it. To act without conscience...


I had the opportunity this week to share honestly with a "frienmy" ...they had stated repeatedly how they were honest and only wanted that in their lives, so when I was honest about certain aspects of the program and healing, they ended up dissolving the 'frienemy' status...which with all due respect was my higher power looking out for me, it was such a great relief. This person does not deal with reality well or their actions in it and they continue to create drama that is so full of hot mess that it is beyond my scope. It is that realization that our energy has far reasching affects through time and space that hurts and affects others, we are not living in isolated bubbles from one another, but we are all connected, but soemtimes when someone doesn't want the connection to the light, then I will never force it. We all have various paths to the 'sunlight of the spirit' and some may never find it and it's not my job to force them to it, but to LET GO. To just accept life on lifes terms, to let others live however they wish, but if you ask me to be honest...I WILL. I have found that in confronting my own reality and honesty about who I am, not who I was, but what and how I got to be where I am...it helps And honestly I had some heavy duty knocks for me to wake up in my life to where I am now. I am enjoying my now currently, it is all about manifesting and perception of what it is and what it can and will be; for that I am most grateful taht I no longer chose to allow day to day things shape my moods, or other peoples opinions of me, that's for them to know, not me to act on or assume, that today I have friends who are honest with me in a true, real way and I don't take offens instead I take interest and listen...pray then meditate and discern for my own self and intuition.



I didn't wake up an alcoholic one day, or married to a sex addict one day by accident, it all happened because I was unable to look at myself, my life, and my choices honestly. I almost lost everything because of my selfishness and self centered behaviors, but truly by the grace of God I still have my life, my dearest friends and even some new ones who have revealed themselves to me in this time of my life to be true friend, and I've been able to let some friendships go that were never really going to be that no matter how hard I worked at it. I also have realized that this is the journey of my soul; that my purpose is not tied to one dimension in my life or job, or people, but in the soul...the mystery of life. What a gift!


I've recently been gifted a wonderful set of circumstances in healing gifts. I've been to a lightworkers healing training, been working on chakras and allowing my own spiritual nature and gifts to come to the surface for a peek...this feels so freeing to me, that spirit that has always been inside is finally being allowed to come out.
I was told by my spiritual director that we all have the toolbox of tools, we have to chose the right tool for the right project and we always need our flashlights; she has helped me so much to place amazing tools in my toolbox, to use my flashlight when in the dark and even allowed me to borrow hers when I could not find mine; now mind you she's not easy, she is a very truthful woman who has called me on much in my life, but when I offer you my flashlight to borrow and you refuse because you like the dark, then I will continue on my journey and wish you the best for yours.


I have been working on my own spiritual journeys and my conscious contact with God...how I truly have begun to understand just the bare minimums of that relationship and it's evolution in my life. Without all of you bloggers, the friends I have who have stuck by me, the loves of my life who are present and passed, and the future of this journey, it is today that I reach out for the sunligh of the spirit as it passes through me.


UPDATE on Lula...she is progressing well, her bandaid comes off today so we will witness her Franken-Lula-ness today...and hope she does not try for the whole next two weeks to lick the stitches out.


Gratitude:

* That today my heart is filled only with love for those in my life, but also for honesty, I cannot lie to you to save your feelings, nor can I lie to deny who I am...that is a gift from God...To Thine Own Self be True.


* For AA, I have mixed feelings for some of the folks in my local circle, but at least we're on the journey together, and thank goodness I can as my friend Tony says, 'hear the message and leave the mess'...


* For my wonderful doggles...they are the best...and if you have oggles and kittles, they are the best too...may we all become the people they think we are!


* For Robyn, who continues to amaze me in all ways...thank you!

* For XBox...playing games with my friend Gordie who is 2600 miles from me but ocmpletely has my back in the gamer world...I <3 you my SurlyLilMonkey!!!


* For new found love in friends' lives...the love of art, each other, dance, light, peace...all of it amazing and new once again to our eyes.


* For music....what would I do without my mp3 player...it keeps me balanced when the world feels sideways.


* For my higher power, as today I've been able to not imbibe in gossip, or speak poorly of others, to offer me the peace and serenity to make it through situations that used to befuddle me and baffle me to the point of terror...thank you!

* For bloggers...thank you!

* For those I know who care and those who I care for, may we meet, part and be merry along the way! Thank you for all the gifts you reveal always


* For C; who has revealed in me my humanness...what a gift that vulnerability, what a gift that rawness. And for making me delicious burritos on a Saturday afternoon; what a gift...<3

Light and Love