Johnny Cash and my Recovery....

So why do I love Johnny Cash, well he's an amazing songwriter indeed, he's also a man who lived a life, and did it OUT LOUD, which I always appreciate. One of my greater regrets was to never see Mr. Cash before he passed...that being said, how does he affect my recovery...well this is how:

In our dance class recently we had a workshop on the slinky moves of Rachel Brice, these are hard moves to make, they require my "getting older" body to move in manners that are snakey, and smooth, to move with grace, to pop and lock with breath, then make it look effortless right? Well maybe not, but that's what practice is for.

One of the greatest parts of dance is that we get to listen to amazing music, some of it tells our stories, some tells the stories of others, some just move us; if you move your body you know that it has a way of awakening to your wisdom, to who you are and at first that can be completely disconcerting, but the body knows what the mind won't always say.

So we're working on some "bad ass" pop and lock snakey moves...(which have names, but you don't want to know those, it's not as interesting as "bad ass" moves). We're also listening to the song by Johnny Cash, "God's Gonna Cut You Down" now as you all who read me know, I do not in any way believe in a punishing God or Higher Power, I think that was the covenant in the New Testament (could be wrong, but hundreds of theologians speaking for Christianity have noted that the New Testament seems to be a new, loving covenant with God, not the judgey/stabbity God of the Old Testament).

So what hit me with this song, is the power that Johnny speaks...the truth is there for us when we're lonely, feeling anger. There's been so much on the blogs about anger/resentment; I won't offer my sentiments on it, but I will say this...when we process grief of any sort, or trauma of any sort...we have to walk through that anger, and really we have to OWN it. It's hard to do, especially if you work from the paradigm of LOVE, but there it is...we have to own our real and true anger, at ourselves, at others, at feelings, at life. Then we can begin to heal again...this cycle I feel; from only my own experience repeats and we get lots of tries at it, thank goodness for do-overs.

So there I am dancing and these lyrics hit me:

You may throw your rock

Hide you hand

Workin' in the dark against your fellow man

But sure as God made Black and White

What was in the dark will be brought to the light

Whoa! That hit me...it hit me hard because music and body memory are powerful healers for me...and because in so succinct a term, Johnny Cash had managed to sum up how I feel about so many in my life who I grew angry at...who I grew upset at for their actions, lack of actions, for their deceit and betrayal.

Then there I was, sitting in the middle of the dance studio with my instructor, sobbing...uncontrollable sobs, that kind where you feel that your drowning from the tears and the inability to get your breathe, it's as if God takes your breathe to get you to notice. Notice indeed I did. I realized that I have been angry, angry at those who have taken the actions and the route that they did.

The women who had sex with my husband, repeatedly...I want to know how they managed to justify having sex with a man they knew to be married, I wanted to know how they could sleep at night knowing that they had brought harm to a person they did not know, and they continued to do this...or worse who they did know and were kind to me...

One of the OW managed to do this in C's first marriage and his second, all the time telling him that his actions and hers were "normal", wow, really...this is normal? To hurt people, to lie to them, to create deceit where love and honesty should be? Now mind you I do get that it's not the critically stable who chose to have affairs with married me, I do get that, just as I get that my best thinking got me to AA...thank GOD! But...when I begin to work through my feelings and the PTSD...I think to myself...What the Hell?

I mean what the hell goes on in a person's life that they call you a "friend' while seeing your husband behind your back? Wow...how does that honestly work, and you feel that this is a normal situation? Or when you find out that the wife (me) finds out...you call C at work to ask him if everything is okay? Wow, that takes guts and some amazing audacity. Or really if I use my spirituality, that takes the sense of chaos, drama, and sad ignorance that fills the heart, rather than love.

For weeks I wanted them to all hurt the way I did, to be in their cars, crying uncontrollably because the life they thought they had, was gone, to cry at stores, to not be able to be at work without crying, to feel so incredibly vulnerable and raw...I felt as if I had no skin...I wanted them to feel that too... to know what it felt like to love someone, to love them well and to find out that it was a LIE...and that you knew many of the people who were lying to you, to you're face.

I didn't want nor expect the HUGE judgement heaped against C and myself by them, through snarky comments on my blog or emails, but there they were, judging me, yet they made the choice...and oh, trust me...C is not off the hook either, his is different though, I was in love with him, not with them (although one I did and still love, but have had to revoke the invitation to my life as they deceived me with C). So I've had to make some changes in that and who I allow in and who I allow to be close, but that is for another blog.

So there it is Johnny Cash and me, looking at the anger of life, the anger that love can create if we let it...but it's all perception anyway isn't it. What anyone did in this, well it's their perception of it...I will say this though, I hope and pray every single night, that this doesn't ever happen to any of them...they love someone, that someone uses them, with others who know you...who are kind to you...I hope and pray that they don't feel the pain anymore...that is progress, not perfection.

I realize today, that what anyone thinks of me, not my business in the least, but my anger is just that, mine. I need to acknowledge it and give it the space it asks for, or else I'll be embroiled in a resentment, which will be the quickest way for me to die. Conversely, I won't condone the others in this, that ultimately only hurts me...WHAT A LESSON!!!! Wow!

Gratitude:

*I am so grateful for R, she is the one who has shown me the grace and the fact that I will and can survive this part, and I will thrive...You have no idea how I thank you EVERY DAY!!!!

*For H and J, who I get to see this weekend and I am so thrilled!!!!!

*For insurance that is helping me to heal.

*For bloggers who send me love, hugs, recipes, who have shown themselves to be dear and human to me...How can I ever thank you enough....? I hope I have the chance too!

* For work, which lately is busy...I like that...since being sick I am no longer engaged so much in the stabbity parts, that helps because you know we're all connected...that's what this is teaching me, what others do or say about me, none of my business, but what I do or say...well it always comes back to me. ALWAYS! Good lesson, I hope it sticks...:-)

* For being human! I love it at times, it's painful, but I love this life I have.

* For the people who have shown up in my life to care...they were not who I expected in any way, shape or form...they showed up and I wouldn't have guessed them, but there they were with their angel wings helping me to walk when I could no longer get up...THANK YOU!!!! I will help you walk when you need me.

* For C, who last night, after an 11 hour day at work, our little dog Lula was sick, (as a dog, yep) she ate something and she was up and down all night, C got up with her all night and kept her company on our couch, he took her out, he curled up with but he was quiet as to not wake me (sadly I sleep VERY lightly) so any noise in my house is LOUD to me. But there he was, every hour up with her, holding her...reminding me of why I love him, and why we're all good...sometimes it's just harder to show it.

* For St. Francis, who as a matter of note, he was terrified of lepers, told God he didn't want to work with them, wouldn't acknowledge them (little known fact) then in his prayers God said, to work with them...he did and look how that turned out...PHENOMENAL!

*For the realizations that continue to come...JeNN you're right, it's all here, we just have to tap into it...THANK YOU!!!! I am hearing you girl!!!! Loud and clear!!!

* For music...without it...wow...I have no idea where I'd be.

* For my friend M...thank you for yesterday...your presence in my life... A GIFT... you are my sister from another mother indeed...just be glad you didnt' have my mom! LOL!!!!

For love, pain, happiness, joy fear, for all of this...thank you!

* For you Lee...the constant there for almost 30 years...THANK YOU!!!!!